The phases of mourning
I am getting up at twelve, the fourth day in a row. My head hangs heavy on my shoulders. The birds are singing lovely songs outside my window. But inside my bones there is no urge to do anything.
Laundry is piling up. The grass needs to be mowed. Some work texts need to be written. But I cannot.
Life goes on. As it always has and always will. Time does not stop. At least not for everyone around. For me it has stopped and I would like to stay in this bubble of grief a little bit longer. Can I?
All I want to do is sleep, hug my kid and write some weirdo blog articles to get all this out of me.
I wonder if this is how it is supposed to be and google ‘The phases of mourning’.
Yes, even now there are some shoulds clinged to my mind:How should this feel? What should I do to not surpress any feeling and get out of this more healed than damaged? How long can it last? When should I get back to daily routine?
Many different results pop up. They all agree up on: There is no right or wrong when it comes to coping with the death of someone close. It feels how it feels. And this is different for everyone. But if one wants, mourning can be put into different phases. Accoring to some scientific research I am in phase two right now. Where you get hit by all the different emotions that arise when someone dies. Sadness, anger, fear, despair, love, even fury.
I mean, all of these are part of our existence as human beings, yet when they arise all at ones it can be quiet challenging.
And you might end up spending your days in bed, because life outside does not make sense anymore. Can everyone please freeze for a moment? I mean, come on, this is serious, this is death. I want everyone to stop running around and do what they do and be humble for a second. Or maybe come by and hug me as hard as they can. And at the same time: Everyone, please stay away from me. I have nothing to talk to you about anyway.
And I have to tell myself: It is all okay. There is no right. There is no wrong. And I am pointing this out to you as well, who might be in the process of mourning. Give yourself permission to feel it all. Give yourself time. As much time as it needs.
According to the traditions of my indian ancestors this is exactly what I am supposed to do: Stay in the present of the dead person. Thirteen days after his death. Because during this phase there will still be some element of life in the body. Do you know that prana exists between 48 to 64 minutes after someone is considered as dead?
There is a candle burning constantly infront of my fathers picture. We did not have a lot of contact in the last years. Still the pain about his loss strong. And it is relevant.
To anyone out there who might have lost a parent: I feel you!